Nothing's too bad

The goal in my life is to gain wisdom. I think it is the best strategy to be happy, even when I am 90 years old and can no longer walk or if one day I am ruined and homeless. That's why I spend so much of my time reading : many thinkers have condensed all their experience into a few hundred pages, and that experience is invaluable. There is no denser way for a person to pass on all his or her knowledge to another person than through writing.

And, from what I read, my first life lesson - the most important - to have more serenity is :

NOTHING'S TOO BAD

I try to implement this sentence every day. From what I have read, Stoics, positive psychology researchers and Buddhists also encourage people to live according to this principle.

What do you mean, "Live by it"?

Here by nothing is too bad, I mean - like the Buddhists - that one should not be attached to anything. Attachment is a source of suffering. Often this principle is misinterpreted: one understands that one must become Spock, feel no emotion and no form of love. To be attached to nothing is to allow the opposite. As Seneca said: "Possession is only as pleasing as one has prepared in advance for loss". If I feel a need to spend time with my friends (attachment), then: if they don't want me I am disappointed, and when I am with them, my need is satisfied. If I spend time with my friends when I don't feel the need (need for entertainment, need for recognition, need for a drink, whatever), then I am more serene. And I can concentrate fully on the present moment without being distracted by other thoughts.

An event, in itself, is never "serious". As Don Draper says so well in the incredible Mad Men series: the universe is indifferent. What makes an event serious is just our interpretation of the event and our reaction to it.

I love this law, and meditating on it daily has taught me a lot about myself. Of course I still find a lot of serious things. But if I find that something is serious, then I have to try to change that resentment. Not the thing.

Here is my hierarchy of things in life that one finds serious but that one should not find serious (from the simplest to the most complicated not to find serious):
- the bullshit of everyday life ;
- the injustices, the more serious problems and the pain;
- the really serious events of life;
- death, including one's own (a special case of the previous one which deserves a whole section).

Level I: Irritating bullshit

What I am going to present here may seem obvious to my formidable readers.
The first point is life's little unexpected events: spilling your coffee, missing your bus, current events... These events are absolutely not serious, and they don't deserve the slightest negative emotion on our part. They are perfect opportunities to practice not feeling any negative emotions. I would recommend to anyone to be particularly vigilant about this: when are you irritated by little everyday things? Try to remember the last times this happened, to anticipate the next occurrences. Then, when you find yourself irritated by a little thing, celebrate! You've noticed once when you've been upset when it was useless or even harmful. The first step to not being upset again.

It's clear that for life's little annoyances: it's strictly less profitable to get upset than it is to stay calm. But my message is this: whatever the situation, being attached is in every way less beneficial than being detached.

Level II: More Serious Problems, Pain and Injustice

a) Events of some seriousness

I wrote about it in my previous article (but not enough I believe). To develop his ability to remain serene, I practice detailed negative visualization. Five minutes ago I did one by reflex: I imagined myself spilling my cup of tea on my laptop. The computer dies instantly, but it's not too bad..
The purpose of these visualizations is to go through all the "problems" that will appear. Because there's bound to be a moment when everything gets better. And sometimes problems even create good things:
- my computer breaks. Great: since I don't have a smartphone anymore, this will finally be a great opportunity to really cut myself off from the Internet and read. I'll buy a new computer sooner or later, but in the meantime it's a real breath of fresh air.
- The scout camp I was supposed to organize is canceled. I have two weeks of vacation coming up spontaneously in my schedule this summer.
- I'm losing all my money. First I find some money to survive (a friend advances me, I sell my stuff, I sell my girlfriend...) and then I flip burgers at Macdo for a few months while I learn to live with even less money. At least it's a job without responsibility, I won't have any pressure outside of my working hours (not like a thesis). I will discover another life.

In the end, whatever the problem, I'm still alive. I still have a thousand possible things to do. If I lose some gear I can work on my asceticism. If I lose my job I will have more time for my friends. If I lose my friends, I can still give my time and blossom in the associative world.

The only source of suffering is the attachment I felt towards the thing I lost. But this attachment is a construction of my spirit, and it is my responsibility to learn to put it into perspective.
To be unattached is to be free. For example, being rich (to me) is simply being able to live with less money than what you earn. So if I like a poor, ascetic life, then I need little money to be rich.

b) Injustices

It is perhaps more difficult for me to be detached from the injustices that take two forms for me: those that concern us and those that do not concern us.
Those that concern us are the fruit of our attachment to our ego. When I am offended, when I am afraid of looking ridiculous, when I get angry because a stranger insults me... The truth is, it's not too bad.. It's simply because I'm attached to the image I have of myself that I react badly.
But that image, anyway, is wrong. Cognitive scientists call it the "spotlight effect": humans think they are the hero of the world around them. People think they're better-than-average drivers, better-looking than average, smarter than average... People even think - to top it all off - that they are less subject to cognitive bias than the average person!
So overall, I think it's important to learn to detect when your own ego is hurt, and to learn to give less importance to that ego: if you give less importance to yourself, then you live more serenely.

For the injustices in the world, it is another matter: one can be revolted and scandalized by the inequalities in the world, by the deterioration of our planet, by the lazy people who parasitize society, by the taxes...
It doesn't matter: these principles must not provoke a negative reaction on our part. As I have said before, the Dalai Lama himself remains serene when he thinks of his own people who are being persecuted. Of course, he does everything he can to prevent it, but feeling angry does not help. It would just make him more unhappy…

c) Pain

Pain is a message we get. Suffering is our interpretation of that signal. There is an old Buddhist saying that when you receive an arrow, you are wounded twice: at the moment you catch the arrow, and at the moment you think of the pain caused by the arrow. In fact, great meditators are less sensitive to pain than ordinary people. This is because they meditate on their pain. In several Buddhist traditions, the meditator is asked not to move when he feels pain (back pain, knee pain ...). These pains are welcome: they are perfect objects of meditation. If I have back pain, then I can concentrate fully on this pain.

An intriguing question is: "but where exactly does it come from?" The more I focus on where the pain is coming from, the more diffuse and vague it will seem to me. The Dalai Lama speaks of "accepting your pain". My body is sending me unpleasant signals, but it's not too bad..

Besides, these meditations have another benefit, underlined by Thich Nhath Hânh with humour: when you have a toothache, you really wish you had no more toothache. But when you don't have a toothache, why don't you rejoice?

To realize that a pain is not serious, not to be attached to its non-pain, is to be able to fully enjoy and realize how lucky we are to have a healthy body. It also means accepting that little by little this body will deteriorate, but that it is not so serious.

We therefore have a multitude of daily opportunities to practice being more detached, not finding things serious. I am open to any criticism, perhaps my model is too simplistic, and it is sometimes beneficial to react emotionally to an event that one finds serious.

In the next article, I will present some points of science that show how, in any case, external circumstances have little influence on our (long-term) well-being. Then I will present the ultimate thing not to be found serious: one's own death.