Getting out of one' s cage

Warning : I do not want to play the personal development coach with this article. I'm not saying that everything is possible when you really want it. I'm not saying that getting out of your comfort zone is the sure path to happiness. It's not true.    The great philosopher Damso said, "I've come to understand that life is just one way of looking at things."
And in this article, I just wanted to warn about the need to take a step back from your own way of looking at things.

Jo is a "paint mixer" in a large DIY store in the United States. Every day, Jo performs the same tasks alone. When he goes to work in the morning, Jo's got a tummy ache. In the evening he slumps down on his couch and watches TV to decompress. In short: Jo suffers.
Yet nothing holds him back : no children, no credit to pay back... And he has a dream : to buy a fishing hut in Florida to become a fishing guide. The worst thing is that he can afford it.
Why doesn't Jo quit her job to make her dream come true?

Jo built his own cage.

Jo's life is chronicled in a wonderful book (it's in my crucial books) : Lost Connections, by Johann Harri. The author talks in depth about depression. A pandemic of depression is ravaging our society (I'm talking about it here), yet it is hardly mentioned in the public debate.
Harri does not deny the biological origins of depression. Simply, after extensive research, he has come to the conclusion that depression is amplified by the way our society functions.

When a human being is depressed, it is not necessarily for biological reasons, it can also be for psychological or social reasons. Although this fact is well known in the medical community, Harri explains that antidepressants are often prescribed by default by therapists, even though they are often ineffective.

Reading this book made me want to talk about something Harri mentions that I see around me. And to describe it I came up with a metaphor that speaks to me a lot. In the course of their lives, human beings build a cage for themselves, and I think that our well-being is linked to this ability to realize that this cage is entirely a figment of our imagination.

I don't want to be sanctimonious in this article, and that's why I'm jumping in before I give lessons, by talking about myself.

My cage

I myself was a victim of this during my last job: after a year I was unhappy. So instead of leaving or looking for new solutions, I started adding bars to my cage : "only two years left, it's worth it", "this job is a privilege, I shouldn't complain"…
Each of these excuses - total bullshit - was an additional bar that clouded my judgment. I remained unhappy and unconsciously sabotaged my life with thoughts that limited my field of possibilities.
And worst of all, I was being helped to build my cage. I was told: "You should go on anyway, it's hard right now but it will get better later". Even people who didn't know my situation.

From a rational point of view, however, continuing was a bad bet: it was unlikely that my situation would improve. It's true: how many people have changed their attitude after 1 year and magically blossomed in their job?
On the other hand, there are an infinite number of possible careers, so I might as well try my luck again (for the anecdote, I'm blossoming in my new job (but a result doesn't guarantee the validity of an approach)).

Cages, cages everywhere

I've very often met people who seem entangled. They have had the same job/spouse for a very long time, but don't realize that today they are suffering from it.
A 2012 survey survey about this struck my attention. It was conducted on millions of employees in 142 countries (by the Gallup Institute). According to this survey, only 13% of people give meaning to their work. And 20% don't like their work. Of course, not everyone has a choice in their work. But if we can, then we have to stop working in a job that doesn't make us happy.
Psychologist Brad Blanton talks about that, too. He has many patients who can't realize that their spouse is now the cause of their suffering. Even though they were in love 20 years ago.

To be in a cage is to be in a deplorable situation - a source of anxiety and depression. And it's about doing everything you can to convince yourself that you can't get out of it.

And to construct a cage, there is a multitude of bars.

Bar 1: Money

The Buddhist philosopher Vishnu Krishnamurti said: "It is not a sign of good mental health to be well adapted to a sick society". Our society encourages us to build our own cage by pushing us to consumerism.

Researcher Nathan Dungan has done some exciting work on the subject. He wanted to raise awareness among families in working-class neighbourhoods by asking them two questions. I invite you to ask these two questions as well.

• Question 1 : “If I have extra money, how do I like to spend it?“
• Question 2 : “What is the most important thing in life for me?“

Often people answer the first question with material things, and the second question with "spending time with my family, my loved ones". These two questions show that we tend not to spend our money on taking care of things we really appreciate (family, experiences...) but on things that society wants us to appreciate.

Bar 2: Values

The values put forward by society (success, money, family...) are not necessarily the values that make us happy (materialism even makes one unhappy).

This is where radical honesty can help us. Being radically honest is not just telling people what we think of them. It's just telling people what we think. Speaking out. It's very difficult to be clear with yourself. And that's why it's beneficial to be authentic with those around you: talking about your fears, your insecurities, your true motivations around you is an excellent way to understand what you really think and to learn to free yourself from the judgment of others.

If you don't dare to say something, not even to your close friends, then it means that you're not proud of it, that you don't accept it. Somehow you don't allow yourself to think about it and you can't meditate on it in depth because you judge yourself.
In fact, I have the impression that it is easier to be honest with others (especially about oneself) than to be honest with oneself.

Bar 3: Fear

Obviously, it's scary to break a habit, a comfort. To do that, you have to learn to develop your acceptance (I've already talked about it there). Acceptance is a virtue: I have to accept my situation. I have to look straight at it, recognize that I am not happy right now, without judgment. This is the first essential step in overcoming my fear.

An acquaintance of mine refuses to stop her work (which she doesn't like, in which she deteriorates her health) because she's afraid she won't be able to pay back her credit: the fear of something futile (infinitely less important than her well-being) pushes her to stay in her box. She will probably suffer from her work until she retires.

Freeing oneself from one's cage means setting the conditions of one's life for oneself. Life has no intrinsic finality, and freeing oneself from one's cage means becoming aware that it is only a game and that we can play it in the way that makes us the happiest.

It's up to us to choose whether or not to pay off our credit is more important than living a fulfilling life, not to our fear. Of course, nothing tells us that we're making the right choice, but it doesn't matter if we make a mistake (Nothing's too bad). The fear of making a mistake should not freeze someone in a crappy situation.

The foundation of our cage

But the foundation of this cage is our ego. The image we have of ourselves is a barrier that prevents us from truly experiencing the world by freeing ourselves from our values.

I'm convinced that we don't have an essence of our own. We are only the sum of our experiences.

To stop focusing on what we want to be in the eyes of others, to free ourselves from moralism, is the most important step to get out of our cage. Read more about that here.